Jiminy Snap Star Dreams

One of My Boy Parts

2011-11-27T13:34:00.002-05:00

May 8, 2011

I'm standing in the back of a high school auditorium watching my friend Tim in a play. When the play is over, I approach him with a serious demeanor.

"What is it," he asks.

"I have it...I have IT," I yell, referring to some dreadful, unnamed disease.

"Where?"

" I don't know. Somewhere down there, one of my boy parts."

But it turns out this is not real--we are filming a TV sitcom and this is merely a scene we are playing.

We are now on a balcony overlooking a street in London that's been shut down for our production. Across the avenue I spot our co-star Marlene Dietrich eating a huge jewel encrusted steak as she relaxes atop a red double decker bus. The steak is raw, dripping with blood, and Marlene smiles at us wickedly as she bites into it with gusto.

Come Blow Your Horn

2011-11-25T17:00:00.000-05:00

August 15, 2005

It's about 5PM the day after Thanksgiving, and it is already very dark outside. I'm riding in a car with jazz trumpeter Chris Botti, and as he drives us around the small town where I grew up, we are havinig a disagreement. We're arguing because even though he's in town to meet my family, he seems unsure about letting people know that we've just gotten married.

As we speed over the railroad tracks next to the old lumberyard, our car lurches a few feet off of the ground, and we land with an enormous thud.

The bumpy landing has had an effect on my new husband. "Fuck it. I don't care who knows," he tells me just before grabbing the back of my head and kissing me on the lips with a force so powerful, so skillful, it could only be the result of years of blowing his horn.

Gladys Knight and the 'Phants

2011-01-30T19:10:00.002-05:00

December 12, 2010

It's very early on a cold morning in New York. The sun is just starting to come up as I stroll along a mostly deserted Central Park West. Something unusual catches my eye as I wander into the park; a long line of elephants, seemingly unaccompanied by any human beings, snakes its way to the other side of the park.

It takes me quite a while, but I follow their serpentine line until I reach the East side of the park. Several reporters and TV crews are gathered beside a large tent where the elephants seem to be heading. A familiar woman rides atop one of the elephants. It's a smiling Gladys Knight who extends her hand and gestures for me to join her. Without much fuss I climb aboard and straddle in behind Gladys.

Our elephant strides into the tent with an imperial grace as Gladys and I sing "Jingle Bells."

Happy Holidays

2010-12-23T13:58:00.003-05:00

Happy Holidays from all of us (ok, all of ME) at jiminysnap.com!

What A Difference A Bus Trip Makes

2010-11-14T11:13:00.005-05:00

October 28, 2006

I'm on a school bus in somewhere in Pennsylvania. I'm with a group of people and we're headed to a school in New Jersey for mentally challenged children. It is unclear if we are students or just going to visit.

Our bus driver is a black woman of about 60. I recognize her immediately as the legendary singer Dinah Washington, the Queen of the Blues. I am stunned to see her and spend the rest of the ride figuring out what to say to her.

The bus makes a left hand turn into the parking lot of a strip mall. Apparently, this is our real destination. Everyone shuffles off the bus but I hang back so I can speak with Dinah. As I approach her perch in the driver's seat I say, "I just wanted to tell you I am a great fan of your work. I have dozens and dozens of your albums."

She thanks me and I tell her I hope she's still singing, "at least for your own pleasure." She tells me about a gospel song she sings from time to time, but that it has been about 13 years since she last sang professionally. I tell her that the Jazz stations still play her songs regularly on the radio. She asks me with true humility why did I think they continue playing her records. "Because they're great," I exclaim.

As she thanks me, I notice a black gentleman sitting about three or four rows from the front of the bus, nodding in agreement. He is what you might call a hepcat, dressed in a brown zoot suit and tie.

Gathering the courage to speak freely, I tell Dinah that I think there are still many of her records that could be even more popular if they were reedited. She asks me what I mean. "Well, you know what they said about some of your later work."

She nods her head, slightly pained at the memory and says, "Yes, I know...the background singers, the strings, too..."

"Syrupy," I finish her sentence. "But we could strip all of the syrup away and still have your heartfelt, soulful vocals, than we could add better arrangements to accompany them."

"Yes!" shouts the hepcat, "the technology exists to do this."

Seemingly at peace with her current life, Dinah is unsure about reentering the music business.

As I head off of the bus to rejoin my group, I ask Dinah if I could bring a CD for her to sign the next time she drives this route. "Sure baby," she replies.

Once off the bus I realize we are at a night club where Jazz chanteuse Blossom Dearie is entertaining the crowd on the sidewalk. I see a woman I know, Sandra, an old classmate from a songwriting workshop I participated in many years ago. Sandra wants to know why I've begun to cry. I explain that I am overcome with emotion at the thought that Dinah Washington has been reduced to driving a school bus. She dismisses me as sentimental.

"That's show business--get over it," she tells me.

"Well," I shoot back, "I guess you're a better man that I'll ever be."

*********************************

The great Dinah Washington actually died about two years before I was even born, but the thoughts I expressed in this dream pretty accurately sum up my own feelings about her work. If you are unfamilar with her, seek out her music; it is well worth a listen.

Black Is The Color of My New Dog's Tail

2010-10-31T09:59:00.003-04:00

July 19, 2010

I'm on my way to a train station with a handsome but scruffy young man whom I do not recognize. He has told me about a discount ticket program for a super fast train that will get us from the United States to Great Britain in just under four hours. As we stand behind a wrought iron gate, I realize I do not have my passport with me.

"Maybe I can go with you next time," I tell him.

I return to my house to discover that I have adopted a lovely female dog. This is very happy news until I feel the dog's forehead and notice that not only does she have a fever but, even more disturbingly, she is not actually a dog; she is a girl, a little human girl.

I am truly horrified that I could have made such a mistake. I become hysterical, running around the house asking everyone what I should do. Finally, I come upon my mother who tells me calmly, "You know what you should do."

"Yes. Yes," I reply with new found composure, "I will teach her to walk on two legs and raise her as a human being...and I shall call her...Nina Simone!"

Go In Peace

2010-10-30T14:58:00.009-04:00

May 27, 2010

I wake up on a hot summer day--it is my birthday.

My father drops me off at church. A young priest with blond highlights is celebrating mass. There is a lectern on either side of the priest. At one Jon Stewart stands smirking as he sniffs an over sized orange flower; at the other Anderson Cooper delivers the homily.

"Wait a minute," I call out, "Isn't Jon Stewart Jewish?"

"Um, well, uh," Anderson stammers before resuming the homily. As he continues, the young priest is joined by two assistant priests, one of whom appears to be a drag queen in a wedding gown.

Through a parted curtain behind the priest I notice several large bowls and buckets shaped just like the smiling K00l-Aid pitcher. Anderson tells the crowd, "those are for the church Penny Party, which is being held--"

"Last night!" the drag queen interrupts him."

"Oh, Last night."

The priest walks down the church's center isle followed by Jon Stewart and Anderson.

I call out, "Is it over? No one said, 'Mass is over, go in peace.' "

I sneak behind the curtain and nervously take a large Kool-Aid pitcher. It is so large I can barely carry it as I run out the back door and, with great difficulty, climb over a wooden fence and make my escape.

An Offer I Can't Refuse

2010-07-18T19:52:00.003-04:00

June 5, 2010

I'm in a giant warehouse/movie studio. I've been summoned to play the lead role of Dr. Brennan in a low budget zombie movie. I'm worried because I haven't actually read the script yet and filming is about to start. I also haven't met the producers or the director yet.

I am the only person to have arrived, so I eat a bowl of oatmeal and wait. Finally, a gaggle of people comes in and introductions are made. A young blond man, apparently one of the producers, tells me not to worry about missing the rehearsals. Next, I am introduced to the director, a heavy set man seated on a red leather couch sipping a glass of wine. I am thrilled and terrified when I realize he is none other than Francis Ford Coppola.

"I'm sure you don't hear this very often," I tell him, "but Peggy Sue Got Married is my favorite movie. I think it's extremely underrated, the way you capture loss, regret, acceptance...and that score!"

"Thank you," he responds in a thick Italian accent as he gestures for me to stop speaking.

"Now that you've finished with that, who are you?" he asks me.

"I'm playing Dr. Brennan," I reply.

He looks me over thoroughly, then glances at my resume, which is attached to a picture of me from four score and twenty pounds ago.

"No, no. Another part for you, I think."

I hold up my phone and try to play for Francis a voice mail that confirms I've been offered the lead role but his mind is made. I'm sent off to a quiet auditorium strewn with half finished costumes and sets to learn my new lines. I am officially no longer the lead but rather the goofy best friend/second banana.

A Holliday Feast

2010-07-10T17:13:00.004-04:00

July 27, 2008

I'm standing in line waiting to buy a bus ticket to take me home after a vacation in Las Vegas. I very politely try to cut in front of an elderly couple because my bus is about to leave. The woman at the counter refuses to sell me a ticket and the bus pulls away without me.

Suddenly, I'm working in a large office. Everyone is all abuzz because Broadway belters Patti LuPone (Evita) and Jennifer Holliday (Dreamgirls) have arrived. It seems they are going to perform for the staff. Patti, dressed casually, strolls through the office all confidence and brass as she announces to everyone, "I'm goin' out front for a smoke; Who's comin'?"

Perhaps intimidated by her presence, no one moves a muscle. Patti shrugs and heads out the door.

Meanwhile, Jennifer, dressed in an orange wig and Little Orphan Annie dress, is preoccupied with finding out what time lunch is being served and asks the staff, "Can someone show me to the buffet?"

Between the eating and the smoking, we never do get them to perform.

A Porous Line

2010-07-04T13:00:00.003-04:00

Summer, 2008

I'm having after dinner tea with my sister and her neighbors, Tony Award winner Kelly Bishop (A Chorus Line, Gilmore Girls, Dirty Dancing) and her husband. We're all enjoying ourselves but the mood darkens when Kelly's husband tells us they have to move so he can be closer to his job. Everyone seems heartbroken that they will no longer be right next door but instead a 45 minute drive away.

A Few Nights Later...

It's opening night of a big Broadway show and the management of the theatre has a severe shortage of bathrooms. It seems that one enormous and elegantly appointed washroom, which could service dozens of theatre goers, has been set aside for my exclusive use. A panicked usher steps up to talk to me.

"Please, can you help us?"

"I'm sure we can work something out," I tell him.

As the curtain rises for Act II, it seems I've traded my bathroom privileges for a part in the show. I find myself onstage desperately trying to keep up with Kelly Bishop as she dances circles around a group of dancers less than half her age.

Outrageous Acts and Everyday Snack Foods

2010-06-27T17:42:00.006-04:00

May 21, 2010

I'm walking around Manhattan with my Dad and Gloria Steinem. We decide to go to a movie, so we head down the stairs into a subway station on Madison Avenue. I am the last one to make it downstairs, but I already have my ticket. While Gloria and my Dad wait in line, we miss our train.

Somehow we make it to the movie theatre; we're now climbing up a set of red carpeted stairs. We walk through a glass door into a small glass enclosed vestibule. We open a second glass door and that's when it happens. The vestibule is flooded with popcorn. We are nearly chest deep in buttery popped kernels. It doesn't seem cause for panic, but we clearly miss our movie.

We dig ourselves out and head to Gloria's house. As I play with her dog, I notice a little girl and her grandmother who hover around, seemingly lost. That's when I realize that this is not actually Gloria's house, but rather a set built to stand in for her house. Now I understand--we're on the back lot at Warner Brothers where Gloria is playing herself on an episode of Gilmore Girls.

Somewhere Over The Hillside

2010-06-26T17:50:00.004-04:00

April 20, 2010

I'm riding my bike with a group of married friends through a well manicured neighborhood in the Los Angeles hills. It is a strikingly beautiful Sunday afternoon, and the landscape is dotted with palm trees and ranch style houses.

Two of the men in our group have broken away. Having raced a head a block or so, they challenge the rest of us to ride further up into the hills. With great effort, my bike and I climb higher and higher above the houses.

I look up from the road and am confused and astonished by what I see: a self contained wall of ocean sits on the side of the hill defying both logic and gravity. Bobbing up and down with the waves I notice an even more incredible sight--it's Judy Garland and Liza Minnelli happily bellyboarding in the sun.

This Is No Dream...This Is Really Happening!

2010-06-21T22:43:00.005-04:00

July, 2008

I'm on vacation with my cousins. We're sitting by a pond listening to a radio and reading the Sunday comic pages. Everyone leaves, but I stay to watch the sun go down. It becomes so dark, I fear I will be unable to find my way home.

Just as I begin to panic, a single headlight appears in the distance. As it draws near, I see a motorcycle driven by my Aunt Eileen. She beckons me to hop on the back of her hog, which I do. We ride for a while on a dark highway, eventually arriving in a small town where we pull into the driveway of an old farm house. This is clearly not our home, but we sneak in the front door and have a look around.

We are searching for something, but I don't know what. There are movie posters and books everywhere, and one that particularly catches my eye is a large coffee table edition with a painting of King Kong on the cover.

We hear voices on the second floor and creep up the stairs to investigate. An elderly woman has fallen asleep watching television. I know instantly what she was watching; it's Rosemary's Baby, but it's not like I remember it. I protest to my aunt, "I don't remember this scene with the mummies. Where did the mummies come from?"

*****

This dream freaked me out when I had it. I didn't like being lost in the dark and I hated the feeling of sneaking around someone 's house...but I do love me some Rosemary's Baby!

Roosevelt's Whores

2010-06-13T16:48:00.003-04:00

December 1, 2009

I'm sitting on a giant bed which has an ornate frame that seems to be carved from mahogany, or perhaps cherry wood. It's a bed fit for a leader, and in fact this is the White House, and that bed belongs to President Jeb Bartlet (Martin Sheen) from TVs The West Wing. I have no sense of being on television--President Bartlet seems every bit a real life world leader as he strides confidently into the room. He is greeted by a throng of children who present him with drawings of Washington and Air Force One.

The children, like myself, are here for a pajama party with the President. I have a feeling that I might work here, but I know I am not very high level because when and aide whispers in the President's ear that a military situation in South America will necessitate the cancellation of the sleepover I am ushered out into a rotunda like hallway with the children. A cloud covered, snow dotted Washington skyline is visible through slotted windows.

"I feel like one of Roosevelt's whores," I mutter as I am led down the hallway still in my pajamas, my clothes and shoes gathered up in my arms.

I hear a sharp, distinctive laugh. I look back to see First Lady Abigail Bartlet (Stockard Channing) surveying the scene. She looks amazing as she warms her hands in her over sized muff, or perhaps it's really a stole.

I am mortified that she has heard what I've said. I try to explain that I didn't mean to imply that her husband has whores, but she waves her hand as if to say, "Think nothing of it." She is clearly tickled by the situation and I find myself greatly relieved.

The Hostess With The Mostess

2010-06-12T13:20:00.007-04:00

8/12/2001

I’m standing on the sidewalk outside Radio City Musical Hall. I walk through the lobby and into the theatre, which is completely empty. I head down the aisle and take a seat in the third row and wait for the show to start. It turns out I am here to see the Tony Awards. As the lights go down the opening number begins; a big production with lots of chorus boys. Suddenly from within the midst of the chorus boys a lone and rather tiny female figure is hoisted into the air. It’s our hostess for the evening, 5-foot-nothin’ Nancy Walker! Still all alone in the auditorium except for the performers on stage, I leap from my seat and cheer enthusiastically.

******

I had this dream during an afternoon nap I took while on vacation in San Francisco. When I awoke I was truly disoriented for several minutes. At first I felt a sort of drunken happiness because I love the Tonys and I love Nancy Walker, whose Ida Morgenstern character was really my first surrogate mother. After a few minutes, I remembered that she was actually no longer alive and I experienced an almost suffocating sadness that lingered with me for the rest of my trip.

July 20, 1982

2010-06-06T15:14:00.008-04:00

July 20, 1982

I walk into a pet shop accompanied by an Irish Setter on a leash. Immediately, we spy Queen Elizabeth II of England all decked out in a dazzling tiara. Her Majesty stands next to a massive, beautiful brown horse.

Once the animals notice each other it doesn't take long for their true feelings to make themselves known. The dog growls ferociously as he bares his teeth at the horse; the horses rises up on his hind legs, jerking his head violently as he whinnies and nays.

The Queen approaches me.

"Your dog has spooked my horse," she says icily.

"No," I tell her firmly, "your horse has spooked my dog."

*********
This is one of the most disturbing and fascinating dreams of my entire life. When I woke up that morning, I discovered that while I slept there had been a pair of bombings in London. From the BBC:

"Eight soldiers on ceremonial duty have been killed in two IRA blasts in central London...The first blast, in Hyde Park, killed two soldiers and injured 23 others...Seven horses [from the Queen's Household Calvary] were killed or so badly maimed they had to be destroyed."

Though I did not hear this news on the radio or from a television while I slept, as people have suggested over the years, I am not claiming to have somehow predicted these events since they either were happening or had just happened while I was dreaming. Whatever happened or didn't happen, whatever I may have seen, or whatever vibration or energy I may picked up on, this is the dream that rattled me and prompted me to pay attention to my dreams.

(As for the art, I just couldn't decide which one to use.)

Prickley Heat

2010-06-05T17:19:00.007-04:00

April 6, 2010

I'm wandering through a glass enclosed atrium at a large modern airport. The sky around me is a thick dark blue, almost like an oil painting. I am startled to see a passenger jet fall from darkness and burst into flames, but I regain my composure and quickly walk away.

As I contemplate what happened to the plane, I see SCTV station manager Mrs. Edith Prickley, all decked out in her traditional cat rimmed glasses and leopard skinned jacket with matching hat, walking in the direction of the crash. Just as we approach each other Edith literally fades away until she is completely gone.

I walk on a little further and as I'm passing by an office on my right, I peer into the room and what I see captures my attention so completely, every thought of the doomed plane rushes out of my mind and I am unable to turn away. It's Mad Men's Don Draper and his enormous, perfectly formed penis relaxing on a couch on the verge of being pleasured by Mrs. Prickley.

My Fair (and-in-every-way-Equal-if-not-Superior) Lady

2010-05-30T17:39:00.011-04:00

April 10, 2010

I'm in a sleep loft, but really it seems more like an old barn, staying up late watching old movies with Gloria Steinem and two or three of her friends. As the sun begins to rise and everyone else lapses into sleep, Gloria and I climb from the loft down a wrought iron ladder. I notice that Gloria's right foot is in a cast and she struggles as she descends the ladder.

At the bottom, we find ourselves in a sun-drenched, white bricked living room. It occurs to me that this must be some one's summer home. We have a look around, searching for something to eat. I start dancing and singing "Wouldn't It Be Loverly" from My Fair Lady. Gloria and I are actually trying to stage a musical number in the Summer house! She hands me a woman's straw hat covered in enormous flowers in shades of violet. As I come to the lyric, "with one enormous chair," I plop myself into an overstuffed white canvas armchair.

"Oh, that's good!" Gloria exclaims.

"Wait, wait, wait," a voice calls. It seems we are not alone. To our amazement, a 10-inch claymation version of Katherine Hepburn leaps from the fireplace mantel onto the arm of my chair.

"I want to sing, too," she insists.

We bend to her will, as if we ever had a choice. With her hands placed defiantly on her hips, Claymation Kate bellows at the top of her tiny little lungs another song from My Fair Lady. Naturally she's chosen"Without You." a song expounding the virtues of independence and self reliance.

Ma Vie en Porn

2010-05-16T21:45:00.010-04:00

4/7/90

I'm in a library compiling research on Dinah Washington and Edith Piaf. I find a book called Queen of The Blues, and a volume of plays that Piaf appeared in, along with one that she wrote. A rack of pornographic magazines distracts me. I look around to make sure no one sees me checking them out, but two men, one of them wrapped in a towel, spot me flipping through the magazines. We start to talk about sex, and the man in the towel says to me, "I bet you've never even had sex with any of the women here...well, maybe just that one."

**************

I found this dream in a journal I kept when I spent a semester in Costa Rica 150 years ago. Well, it feels like 150 years. I'd completely forgotten this dream, but it made me think of another I had when I was 17.

I had a vague notion of Edith Piaf but I knew very little about her. Mostly, I knew that Barbra Streisand had recorded a song called "Le Mur" for her album Je Me Appelle Barbra, which I had purchased that summer. The song had been written for Piaf but she died before she could record it and, as I learned from the liner notes, the song's composers witheld the tune from other artists until after Barbra had recorded it.

The dream I had was more of a burning vision, but I was definitely asleep when I saw it. It was a poster for a film about the life of Piaf starring Barbra Streisand. The poster showed a dark and shadowy figure on a dimly lit stage. I was confused but completely intrigued. A few nights later my mother and I stumbled upon a documentary on the life of Edith Piaf. It was the first time I was conscious of seeing her and I was shocked at how closely she resembled what I had seen in my dream. That's when I decided to learn everything I could about "The Little Sparrow."

"What's Done Is Done" --Lady Macbeth, Act 3, Scene 2

2010-04-27T16:54:00.008-04:00

April 19, 2010

My father takes me into the back yard to tell me something very important. He speaks haltingly, struggling to find the right words.

"What is it?" I ask him.

The man who responds is Morgan Freeman, and yet he now speaks with such authority, I know it is still my father.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you this before, I should have, but...your mother is still alive."

He indicates a short, round, dark skinned woman in the next yard. She is encircled by young boys as she plays a ceremonial drum and chants. The sounds are foreign to my ear and seem to be mostly long stretches of vowels. Somehow, I understand that she is repeating her name over and over again.

"Esther Rolle? My mother is Esther Rolle?"

"Yes," Morgan tells me, "but to hear her name aloud invites bad things."

And how; the group of young boys has now encircled Morgan. They throw rubber tires at him, knocking his body about until he can no longer defend himself. Seemingly resigned to his fate, he sinks into the ground and is swallowed up by the earth.

*******
Leaving aside the family drama, the thing that I find interesting about the dream is this:
In 1936 twenty-one year old Orson Welles directed a production of Macbeth set in Haiti for the Negro Theatre Unit of the Federal Theatre Project. Welles's first great success, the production was commonly referred to as Voodoo Macbeth. In 1977 the production was revived by the Henry Street Settlement's New Federal Theatre starring Esther Rolle as Lady Macbeth. And of course "Macbeth" is the word that superstitious theatre folk believe invites bad luck.

Sisters Doin' For Themselves

2010-01-26T09:14:00.003-05:00

January 12, 2010

I am decidedly not myself; I am Sister Mary Patrick, the ebullient singing nun played by Kathy Najimy in "Sister Act." But I'm not just a singing nun. It seems I have some real power, as I am also a judge; a nun and a judge, and my courtroom is the street.

Four dew rag wearing thugs appear in the street in front of me. They are accompanied by Whoopi Goldberg, standing beside a white van, which apparently they have stolen.

"Well, well, well, what have we got here?" I ask.

"Sister, may I say something?" of the the thugs inquires.

"No, you may not." I know the van is stolen, but I pretend to think it is a donation.

"The Children will be so grateful for this gift. Now we can take them on trips. "

"The Children?" another thug asks incredulously.

"Yes, the children," I snap, "they're very grateful."

Whoopi and the thugs shake their heads in disbelief, but they submit to my will and relinquish the vehicle.

I am once again myself, but Whoopi is still with me. She joins my family in the tiny kitchen of my old 5th floor walk up apartment. We are just sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner as the afternoon sun streams through the living room window and drenches the crowded dining area.

Whoopi and I, joined by my middle brother, excuse ourselves from the table and suddenly find ourselves in the back seat of a black limousine.

The car winds its way through the snow covered hills of a local cemetery.

We're in search of my mother's tombstone, and after a few minutes we spot it at the bottom of a hill, but are unable to stop due of the pickup truck full of mafia types that is now chasing us. It is clearly unsafe to stop, and so we exit the grounds of the cemetery and head onto the highway as the sun starts to fade.

God Will Get You For That...Joni!

2010-01-16T19:10:00.005-05:00

December 23, 2009

It's a cold, rainy Sunday night in Los Angeles. I'm inside a crowded theatre. On stage Bea Arthur is hosting a birthday party for Rue McClanahan. The party is more of a roast, with performances and toasts.

As Rue watches on from her spot on the dais, Bea crosses and prepares to exit the stage to make way for the next performer. As she reaches the side of the stage, she is greeted by a very grown up, extremely butch looking Joni from "Happy Days."

"Thank you for coming out," she says to Bea.

With a masterful double take crafted from her decades on the stage, Bea clutches her imaginary pearls and states quietly, "I am not a lesbian."

"Oh," and a blank stare from Joni.

"I AM NOT A LESBIAN," Bea bellows.

The whole theatre is buzzing now, as Bea disappears angrily backstage and I find myself in the rainy parking garage looking for my ride home.

A Double Dose Of Dolly

2009-08-03T00:02:00.010-04:00

July 23, 2009

I'm performing in the chorus of Hello, Dolly! on Broadway. I'm playing one of the waiters, but there is something very strange about this production; there are two actresses playing the role of Dolly simultaneously, as in "at the very same time."

Tony Award winners Angela Lansbury and Christine Ebersole are both on stage interpreting the part of matchmaker Dolly Gallagher Levi, and neither one seems particularly pleased to be sharing the spotlight. The audience is bewildered and shuffles out quietly at the conclusion of the performance. I spot my friend Ellen who has come to see me, but she's been so distracted by the dueling Dollys that she's forgotten that I was even in the show.

"Hey, what are you doing here," she asks.

"I was in the show--you came to see me."

"Oh, right."

I follow Ellen to her home to visit with her family. I notice a cart of handcrafted figures, a menagerie of sorts, from which I pick up a small wooden elephant and examine it. As I hold it in the palm of my hand, it transforms into a real live black cat, which latches onto my arm, digging into my skin with its sickle like claws. I shake my arm violently for several minutes until the animal finally releases its grip.

Too Hungry For Dinner At Eight...

2009-07-31T22:39:00.007-04:00

April 25, 2008

It's the Friday night after Thanksgiving and I'm out on the town with my friend Timmy, my sister Kathleen, and my parents. We're milling around the mezzanine of a large nightclub. We seem to be simultaneously attending a music festival and an art gallery opening. People are dancing and drinking on the upper level and checking out the paintings on the lower level while a band plays nearby. I find the music loud and unpleasant and want to leave as soon as possible.

I am no longer in the nightclub. For a moment I am disoriented and unsure of my surroundings. I'm propped up in an overstuffed leather chair while women in lab coats attend to me. Now I know where I am; it's the Elizabeth Arden salon and I'm here to receive a very unusual makeover. I'm being transformed into Ella Fitzgerald so I can return to the music festival and show the crowd what real music sounds like. As I lean back to have my face worked on I hear the stains of "The Lady Is A Tramp" and start to sing along.

As I continue singing, I find myself atop a moss covered hill at dusk entertaining a large crowd of onlookers. They don't seem particularly attentive or appreciative, but still I'm having a great time as I alter the lyrics for the occasion:

Tell Lizzie Arden To Leave Me Alone--

My Breasts Are Fake But My Hair Is My Own

That's Why This Lady Is A Tramp!

----------------------------------------------------------

I know this seems unusual, and I guess it is, but I often hear music in my dreams and I do occasionally become someone else, which always leaves me a little confused. As for Ella, anyone who knows me can I attest that I do listen to an awful lot of her music, and she recorded this particular song a number of times--I have at least four versions. The lyric Ella usually sang went like this:

Girls Get Massages, They Cry And They Moan

Tell Lizzie Arden To Leave Me Alone

I'm Not So Hot But My Shape Is My Own

...Just To Have A Laugh or Sing A (Christmas) Song

2009-07-27T22:50:00.008-04:00

August, 2008

It's about eight o'clock on a snowy New Year's Eve. I'm having dinner in a dimly lit French restaurant with my pal J-Ro. The meal is over and I step outside and leave J-R0 to deal with the check.

There is a brisk wind, but it is refreshing after the stuffy restaurant. In the tree lined square across from the restaurant, I find myself seated on a bench nibbling on a blueberry muffin.

J-Ro emerges from the eatery and we stroll the desolate, snowy streets until we come upon a used record shop. We wander in and casually look through stacks of old albums. We are on opposite sides of the shop when something catches my eye in the $2 bargain bin.

"Look, look what I found," I call excitedly to J-Ro as I wave my new found treasure high in the air, "It's a Carol Burnett Christmas album!"

I am overcome with a quiet joy and a feeling that this will be the best New Year ever.

And Parker Posey As...

2009-07-19T13:18:00.007-04:00

July, 2008

I'm in a hotel in Northern California with my cousin Marty. We've been to a famil reunion and it's the last day of our trip. In fact, Marty is packed to go and quickly heads out the door. My flight isn't for a few hours so I stay behind.

I step into the bathroom to wash my hands. In the tub I notice the rubber duck I played with as a child, also named Marty--cousin Marty had very blonde hair as a child, as did Marty the Duck. There's some noise in the hallway, the sound of barking dogs. I look out the peep hole but decide against opening the door.

All the blinds are closed and the room is very dark, except for a small table lamp. I sit on the bed and turn on the TV to pass the time. A movie is just starting and I am confused as I feel I am in the movie at the same time I am watching it. The opening credits begin to play over a long aeriel shot of Provincetown, Massachusetts that winds its way through the streets, finally zooming down to street level and settling in on the front window of a small restaurant. There is a woman with an extremely dignified air seated by the window having tea. I think I recognize her when the movie credits confirm my suspicion:

And

Parker Posey

as Eleanor Roosevelt

Cleopatra In A Box

2008-08-10T15:54:00.003-04:00

June 26, 2008

I've just gotten off a school bus and I start to follow an extremely handsome dark haired man wearing a suit. He leads me by an enormous football field build on the edge of my hometown.

I become distracted and lose track of the man when I find a small shadow box on the sidewalk. I pick it up to examine it and notice a doll's head suspended inside the box. I am stunned to realize that the doll's head is an exact likeness of my mother in early adulthood.

Looking for clues about the origin of the doll, I pry open the back of the box. It is stuffed with an old newspaper from New Jersey. It's dated December, 1962. In the movie section, there is an advertisement with a drawing of Elizabeth Taylor as Cleopatra, though the ad actually says, "Cleopatra Jones."

I'm confused,but feel I've found an important clue that will help me find the doll maker.

________________________________

A couple of things: I looked it up, and "Cleopatra" with Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton was released in the summer of 1963, so my dream was off a little.

Also, I remember that when I was about 10 I told my mother I thought she was more beautiful than Elizabeth Taylor. This was the mid 70s when both Elizabeth and my mother tended to wear mu mus.

For those of you who don't know, "Cleopatra Jones" is a blacksploitation film from 1973. I've never seen it, and when I looked it up on the IMDB after having this dream, I was shocked to find out that it costarred Shelley Winters, who really reminds me more of my mother than Elizabeth Taylor ever did. My mother's wigs from the Ava Gabor line were a pretty close match to Shelley's doo in "The Poseidon Adventure."

Tea For (Number) Two

2008-08-02T18:28:00.009-04:00

December, 2007

I'm sitting around the kitchen table at a home for the elderly having tea with my father's siblings, my Uncle Tom and my salty old Aunt Marie. Poor Kaye Ballard, also a resident of the home, has confided in me that she has not been able to make a bowel movement in several days. Even now, while the rest of us enjoy tea, she is upstairs suffering alone in her bedroom.

I mention Kaye's condition to the others at the table. Uncle Tom sees this as a great opportunity to make fun of Kaye, and he happily jumps out of his seat and rushes upstairs to do just that.

"But now Kaye will know I broke her confidence, " I protest.

"Oh please," Aunt Marie admonishes. "In this house everyone knows everyone else's business."

Anne Bancroft, who has joined us at the table wearing a faded housecoat, smiles and nods in agreement as she sips her tea.

And If That Diamond Ring Don't Shine...

2008-06-23T01:15:00.004-04:00

June 18, 2008

It’s Sunday morning and I’m watching television in my childhood bedroom. It’s a new program featuring an interview with James Taylor and a very skinny blonde woman who is supposed to be his wife. James is appearing on the program to promote the publication of selections from his personal diary.

The book, which is pink with flowers, and looks very much like the diary of a school girl, deals with the breakup of James’s marriage to Carly Simon and the effect it had on their children. I think this is a very bad idea and I am filled with rage that the skinny blonde wife would encourage James to do such a thing.

The television program cuts to a video of Carly Simon performing a solo version of “Mockingbird,” which , of course, she had first recorded with James Taylor…and now she is forced to sing alone while James and his new wife profit from the destruction of the Taylor/Simon family unit.

__________________________

This dream seems almost inevitable to me since I’ve been reading a biography of Carly Simon for the past two weeks. It’s strange how intensely I felt the anger even though my role in this dream was extremely passive.

Raindrops Keep Falling On My Parade

2008-06-22T13:58:00.010-04:00

June 18, 2008

I'm on a helicopter with my friend, Bill. It's a pretty good size chopper, seating about 15 people.

We're flying over New York City's East River when I realize this isn't just a helicopter...it's a time machine! We've flown our way back to a warm, sunny day in July, 1967 to witness the filming of the motion picture Funny Girl.

From across the aisle I can barely catch a glimpse out the window of the tugboat below being used to film the great "Don't Rain On My Parade" sequence. It occurs to me that we are on the wrong river, that we should be on the Hudson at the mouth of the New York Harbor so that we can catch the Statue of Liberty in the background.

Our helicopter, one of several dotting the sky, turns south and I finally get an unobstructed view of the boat...and suddenly, there she is: Barbra Streisand standing on the bridge of the vessel, clutching her flowers and lip-synching her heart out to the prerecorded track.

I notice right away she's wearing the wrong costume. Instead of the burnt orange dress and brown fur hat, Barbra is decked out in the matching leopard skin hat and coat from the opening scene. "Well, I'm sure they know what they're doing," I think to myself.

The helicopter hovers at eye-level with the tugboat as Barbra stares intently at the horizon during a break in filming. I wave out the window in an attempt to catch her attention. I can't tell if she doesn't notice me, or if she's ignoring me. Then, remembering everything I've ever learned about time travel from science fiction movies, I decide it is probably not a good idea to call attention to myself and risk altering history. Though really, maybe I ought to say something about the outfit.

As our helicopter lands at a riverside dock and we make our way inside the terminal, Bill and I are greeted by Barbra holding open the door and singing, "Together Wherever We Go" from Gypsy.

"Would you like to come to Las Vegas with me?" Barbra asks.

"Yes, I would," I tell her excitedly.

"I bet you would," she cackles, and then disappears up an escalator, clearly not intending to take me along.

Bill and I run up a set of concrete stairs to catch our ride home. When we get to the top of the stairs and push through a set of double doors, I am bitterly disappointed to find myself on a cold, grey morning in the middle of 2008.

A soft flurry of snow starts to fall as I bite my cheeks hard to keep from crying, but I can not help myself and a small trickle of tears seeps through my clenched eyes.

"Oh, don't whine about it," Bill chastises me.

"I'm not whining," I tell him, "it's just a lot of emotion escaping."

La Dame Aux Chapeaux

2008-06-15T16:12:00.012-04:00

August 25, 2007

I'm standing across the street from the old church near the library in the town where I grew up. Improbably, the community theatre group at the church has gotten Maggie Smith to appear in a play about a woman who wears many hats. That is to say, a woman who literally owns many headdresses.

I am there to interview Maggie and when she appears before me she has a small white cigarette dangling from her mouth. It looks more like a joint, really, and I wonder if she's a pothead or maybe she just rolls her own.

We go inside a restaurant where the interview is to take place. I place my handheld tape recorder on the table and we begin talking. But the room proves too loud for us to conduct the interview, so Maggie asks if we could have a table in the back.

We settle at a table in the back near the kitchen, but something is still not quite right. Finally, we are moved to a booth that is actually in the kitchen.

The booth, which is on the lower level of the neon lit, split level kitchen, is usually reserved for the owner of the restaurant. Maggie and I order some coffee and pie and at long last start the interview.

Rub-a-Dub-Dub...Obama's in the Tub

2008-06-01T22:58:00.006-04:00

May 23, 2008

I find myself at a political fundraiser in a private home. I approach Michelle Obama, who is sitting on a couch. A few female

supporters surround her, but Michelle is decidedly set apart, and even though she is sitting, her head manages to be a foot or so above everyone else's.

"I'm concerned," I tell her, "that if you become First Lady, you wont treat people fairly."

She looks me square in the eye, points toward her supporters and very calmly replies, "That's what other people say about me. That's not what I say about me. You should ask me right to my face."

"Well, I am," I tell her.

It seems we have nothing else to say to each other.

I sneak off to a nearby bedroom. In the adjoining bathroom, Barak Obama is taking a shower. On the floor, I spy a green duffel bag filled with his clothes. I rummage through it, pulling out several striped ties. I choose one with blue stripes that I find particularly appealing. I hold the tie close to my face and begin sniffing it, deeply and contentedly.

Game, Set, Ouch!

2008-06-01T15:32:00.006-04:00

May 10, 2008

I'm swimming in an exceedingly clean ocean. I'm very close to the shore. As I step on to the beach to find my towel, I find myself in the backyard of an enormous old museum.

I realize I don't have a ticket, so I walk in through the backdoor and up a long, winding staircase, where I find the ticket booth. I buy a ticket and walk through a metal turnstile.

I next pass through the museum gift shop where a large, colorful wooden box catches my eye. I open the box. It is a Frida Kahlo art set, filled with hundreds of color pencils and a book of Frida's paintings for inspiration.

I head back out the doors and on to the grounds of the museum, but instead of an ocean, I find a duck pond to my right and a tennis court with bleacher seats to my left. I decide to watch the match, which is already in progress. Rafael Nadal, the frequent French Open champ, who is dressed in tight fitting white shorts that leave little to the imagination, is receiving serve from his opponent.

There is something odd about the ball as it makes its way to Rafael's side of the court: it has a fish hook sticking out of it. Unfortunately for Rafael, it is the fish hook that catches him square in the middle of his tight, white shorts.

As Rafael collapses in pain, I leave the match and head for the duck pond, where the sun has almost completely disappeared behind the trees.

________________________________

If you're wondering,the parrots were not in my dream, but rather they are another tip of the hat to Frida Kahlo, who often painted members of her menagerie in her self portraits, including her monkey, her cat, and her birds.

The Wind Beneath My Snow Covered Wings

2008-05-19T00:32:00.006-04:00

May 4, 2008

I'm walking through an airport late on a sunless afternoon. I pass by a woman crouched on the floor with a litter of beagle puppies. I do not stop, I keep walking, which is very unusual because I always stop for beagles.

Next I pass a young boy in a makeshift bedroom. Apparently the boy is blind because as he rests in bed awaiting his flight to Los Angeles, his faithful guide dog stands at his bedside.

A few minutes later, I find myself seated on a plane on the tarmac at the Los Angeles International Airport. Outside it is dark and snowing.

I begin chatting with the married couple behind me as we nervously wait for the weather to clear. The woman, who turns out to be Bette Midler, asks me which of her records is my favorite. I tell her I'm partial to her concert album, Live At Last.

"Yes, " she responds, "I, too am partial to The Rose."

I look at her husband to make sure that I haven't misunderstood, but he only shrugs his shoulders as if to say, "I know, I know. She only hears what she wants to hear."

an unmarried woman...and me

2008-05-18T15:11:00.005-04:00

August 26, 2007

I'm riding in a taxi cab on 57th Street with Jill Clayburgh. We're stuck in traffic in front of the Russian Tea Room. It's a sunny day, but we are bathed in the shadow of a large scaffolding that envelops the Tea Room and the sidewalk in front of it.

I can just make out the trees of Central Park a few blocks North as Jill begins to cry. She's upset about her career, fearing it hasn't turned out the way she had hoped.

"What are you talking about!" I say. "You're JILL CLAYBURGH! An Unmarried Woman...Starting Over. You're a two-time Oscar nominee. And all those great comedies in the 70's. You should be very proud of your career."

We're now in a hotel room overlooking the park. Jill is in a short nightgown covered by a silk robe. We kiss briefly, but somehow it doesn't feel right.

We go out for a walk along what is supposed to be Broadway, but which I actually recognize as the town where I grew up.

We come across a horde of bike riders blocking an intersection. They seem to be holding a demonstration of some sort, but it is decidedly non-violent. In fact, the bikers start to sing The Prayer of St. Francis (Make Me A Channel of Your Peace.)

So beautiful is the singing that Jill and I start to weep quietly in the soft rain that has begun to fall.

Who's Afraid of Community Theatre?

2008-05-10T23:58:00.025-04:00

October 4, 2007

It’s twelve o’clock on a bright, sunny Sunday afternoon. I’m riding a bike down a tree lined street. I’m rushing because I’m late for rehearsal for a play in which I’m acting.

I decide to stop at a rundown supermarket for a snack. I order a sandwich from the deli counter, which is in the lower level of this split-level market. As I head out the door with my sandwich, I decide to ride off in a shopping cart and leave my bike behind, thinking this might get me to rehearsal faster.

As I ride through the streets standing on the back of the cart, I have the feeling I’m being followed. I’m terrified I’ll be caught and punished for stealing the cart.

I arrive at a mostly empty school building and wander the darkened hallways, passing by a library and several classrooms until I finally find the theatre.

I’m now on the stage with several actors. I recognize two of them, Helen Mirren and Swoosie Kurtz. At first I think the play we’re rehearsing is Who’s Afraid of Virginia Wolf? or maybe a Tennessee Williams play, but soon I realize it’s a play about a community theatre mounting a production of Who’s Afraid of Virginia Wolf?

A disagreement has broken out between the director and a few of the actors. Swoosie and I hide behind a loveseat far upstage waiting for the argument to pass. Meanwhile, a very tiny Helen Mirren floats above the stage. She is playing the part of a fairy who oversees the production. Swoosie and I are amazed that Helen’s dedication to her craft has actually transformed into a palm sized sprite.

Travels With My Aunt...Imogene

2008-05-10T18:33:00.005-04:00

December 20, 2007

It’s Sunday afternoon and I’m at my family’s annual Christmas party. All of my cousins and aunts and uncles are there. It’s a scene I’ve witnessed dozens of times over the course of my life, but something is different this time. Instead of the hall we usually rent, we find ourselves on a cramped houseboat with a very low ceiling. In the main room, lit only by the twinkle of white Christmas lights, a man in a suit and tie croons a Christmas carol to entertain the children.

The man in the suit is Tony Bennett. He does an okay job, but when he’s finished I think to myself, “I could do better than that.” I take the microphone from Tony and sing “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.”

The party over and our ship docked in South Philly, I leave the boat and walk to the top of a grassy hill. My family follows me as far as the bottom of the hill. At the top I find a hot air balloon waiting for me. I climb into the balloon’s basket, and then help my elderly aunt, Imogene Coca, hop aboard.

As we ascend into the grey afternoon sky, the family below us fades away, and Imogene and I view Philadelphia as it might have looked a few centuries ago, littered with open, green spaces and not a skyscraper in sight.

_________________________________

I think it's worth noting (of course I would!) that Imogene Coca was born in Philadelphia in 1908.

Whatever Happened To Baby Lynn?

2008-05-04T22:15:00.008-04:00

September 3, 2007

I'm on a plane flying to London with Vanessa Redgrave. We make our way to one of the high floors of an enormous hospital building made of stone. It is easily seventy or eighty stories high.

We are here to visit Vanessa's sister, Lynn, who has just had a stroke. We spy her from across a crowded waiting room. She is in a hospital bed, but she appears healthy and she smiles when she sees us.

As we approach her bed, it is apparent that Lynn now has her own room and is no longer in the waiting area. Vanessa and Lynn kiss and exchange greetings. Lynn looks at me and exclaims, "You dear, beautiful boy!"

I say hello as well, then decide that the two sisters should have a little privacy. I excuse myself, go out in the hall and look for a place to sit.

It does not seem like a typical hospital. It's more like a gigantic airport lounge, with row after row of plastic orange seats all filled up. Finally, I come to a doorway, look inside, and see an empty bed. I decide to lie in bed amongst the patients until it is time to go back to see Lynn.

I pick up a pornographic magazine from the nightstand. A doctor appears through some curtains, assumes that I am a patient and inquires about taking my temperature. I explain that I am just a visitor and that I couldn't find an empty seat in the waiting area.

I go back to Lynn's room, say a few pleasant words, then leave with Vanessa to allow Lynn to rest. In the hallway we run into the doctor. It seems like only now does he believe that I'm not a patient.

Back in America and not quite sure how I got here, I am walking around Midtown Manhattan when I see a gigantic electronic billboard on the roof of a Broadway theatre. The billboard is showing a video of Lynn performing in a play. I think to myself that the footage must have been shot before Lynn's stroke, and that surely she must have been forced to withdraw from the play. But as I head into the theatre through the stage door and into Lynn's dressing room, I am delighted to see her sitting at a dressing table, returned to health, happy to see me and preparing for a performance.

I am now part of the audience watching the play. Lynn Redgrave is not on stage, but Vanessa is. Lynn sits in the row behind me chatting and not paying much attention to the play. She looks just like she did when she played Baby Jane Hudson in the TV remake of Whatever Happened To Baby Jane. Wearing an over sized child's party dress, her face is covered in white powder with two rosy cheeks painted on and her long, brittle red hair is pulled into two grotesque pony tails on either side of her head.

Frida Be...You And Me

2008-05-03T21:38:00.006-04:00

May 1, 2008

It's late at night on Easter Sunday. I'm hanging Frida Kahlo prints in my grandmother's apartment and waiting for her to be dropped off from her day out at my cousin's house. I hear the low rumble of my Aunt's station wagon and see the glare of headlights as I peek through the closed blinds of my grandmother's front window.

I hurriedly gather up a stack of newspapers and drop them in a neat pile on a coffee table as Nanny (my grandmother) comes through the door. She looks tiny in her camel hair coat, and she is clearly exhausted from the day's activities.

I know this because she tell me as we exchange hugs, "I am clearly exhausted. This is no way for a 100 year old woman to be running around."

Suddenly, it's 1973 and I'm backstage at Carnegie Hall. I can see the first few rows of the audience from my vantage point in the wings at stage left. In the fourth row I spy a very young Oprah Winfrey. In the front row, an ebullient Leonard Bernstein stands, rocking back and forth and clapping his hands in time to the music. He gets into a scuffle when a tall man wearing cowboy boots complains that Leonard has stepped on his foot.

"This is a concert! What do you expect? You want I should get down on my hands and knees and polish your shoes as you walk by?"

My attention is now drawn to the stage, though I don't have a very good view of it. Bette Midler is giving a concert, only it's more like a variety show. I can't see her face, only a big blur of red hair.

Closer to my side of the stage, I see Bette's special guest, Miss Vicki Lawrence, dressed in a most unusual costume. Singing for the crowd, Vicki wears a metal corset and antlers in homage to two separate Frida Kahlo paintings, The Broken Column, and The Little Deer (sometimes called The Wounded Deer.)

Finally, I am in Queens, New York running from store to store trying to find a book of Kahlo paintings. I hail a cab to take me home, but the driver refuses, saying he only accepts fares to Manhattan.

My True Colors

2008-04-29T01:39:00.008-04:00

September 10, 2006

I'm sitting in the back row of a high school English class. I'm playing with my Ipod and not paying any attention at all to the day's lesson when suddenly my teacher, Miss Cyndi Lauper, is hovering over my desk attempting to confiscate my Ipod. I refuse to give it to her, so she drags me out of the class, down the hall and into the principal's office.

In the office, Cyndi starts to lecture me sternly. I try to explain that I had been listening to one of her songs, hoping that would somehow excuse my behavior. The expression on her face visibly softens.

"Come back to class," she tells me. "You can have this back at three o'clock."

A Genuine Lainie Kazan

2008-04-27T19:54:00.007-04:00

April 26, 2008

I'm seated in the waiting area of a doctor's office. Lainie Kazan is in the examining room with the doctor. I had wanted to say hello and get her autograph while I had the chance, but I was too shy.

Rhoda, a woman I worked with in a department store in Philadelphia twenty years ago, and who bears a passing resemblance to Lainie, emerges from the examining room. She is the doctor's nurse, and she has secured Lainie's autograph for me on an insurance form.

I take the paper from Rhoda's hand and examine the signature. I suspect that she has signed it herself. It strikes me as not loopy or flowing or elegant enough to be a genuine Lainie Kazan.

I wait to speak with the receptionist about scheduling another appointment while she argues with an unpleasant woman about changing her appointment time. The receptionist is trying to change this patient's time so that I can have her appointment.

Observing them bicker, it occurs to me that these two women are listening but somehow are just not hearing each other.

Whose Turn Is It Anyway?

2008-04-27T15:10:00.006-04:00

April 20, 2008

I'm watching Saturday Night Live on an old black and white television. Bernadette Peters is performing "Rose's Turn," the climactic number from the musical Gypsy. She is accompanied by two back up singers, which is unusual for this big solo number.

The backup singers are meant to represent Rose's two daughters from the play, Louise and June, but rather than truly contributing background vocals, they each sing lines from the song that refer to their own characters. June, for instances, sings the line, "I did it for you, June."

While this strikes me as a strange interpretation of the song, the oddest thing about it is that the backup singers are not actually girls but instead two pasty-faced, pudgy, prepubescent boys with bowl like hair cuts.

An Egg In Every Pot!

2008-04-22T11:47:00.006-04:00

April 22, 2008

I’m standing in the dining room of a large well furnished house. In the adjacent kitchen, Hillary Clinton is cooking us a breakfast of two fried eggs. We had considered poaching them, but determined that frying would be quicker and easier.

Hillary seems extremely busy and extremely focused, but not overwhelmed. I offer to stay here at the house with her until after the election.

“That would be fantastic, I could really use the help,” she tells me.

“But I’d have to bring my dog,” I say.

“Absolutely, the more the merrier!” she responds as my beagle appears at my feet.

The room has now morphed into a grand reception hall. Men in suits mill about as a bejeweled blue egg hangs high above us like an enormous and extremely expensive piñata.

A young girl strikes the egg with the handle end of a broom, sending it crashing to the ground. It cracks open revealing white paper bags filled with candy.

Two white men, whom I would describe as red-neck politicians, laugh that there are “no candies for the black children.” Infuriated by their remarks, I tear through the sacks of candy until I triumphantly pull out a small package of Sugar Babies and wave it in their faces .
_________________________________
So I realize there is potentially racist imagery in this dream, but I think it's really just about my anxiety surrounding the Pennsylvania primary being held today and my fear that Hillary wont get a substantial portion of the black vote.

Bless Me Obama, For I Have Sinned

2008-04-20T15:56:00.006-04:00

April 14, 2008

I'm sitting in the front pew of a Catholic church with two friends. Barack Obama stands in front of our pew, ready to address the congregation. He is visibly annoyed that he has to wait for the choir to finish singing Gladys Knight & The Pip's Neither One Of Us Wants To Be The First To Say Goodbye before he can speak.

Now wearing green and white vestments, Barack starts shaking hands with parishioners to pass he time. I quickly remove my fingerless woolen hobo gloves and attempt to hide my Hillary Clinton campaign button by turning my jacket lapel inside.

Barack is now standing directly inf front of me and eyes me suspiciously. "I saw the button, " he says firmly.

"So what," I respond. "So I've got a button. I'm here, I'm listening, I'm open."

Now back in a sensible business suit, Barack heads out a glass door to have a smoke.

"If it's any consolation," I yell after him, "you're my second choice."

He turns back to sneer at me before disappearing.

This Little Piggy Went To Market

2008-03-23T17:43:00.010-04:00

March 23, 2008

I’m standing in front of a red brick apartment building in Chicago. I step inside the building and roam the halls until I find the entrance to a public terrace on a high floor. From my perch on the terrace, I take a moment to survey the grassy area in front of the building.

I find my way back to the exit. As I open the door to head outside, a baby pig wearing a pink tutu scurries out the door and across the grass. A chase ensues, and after a great effort, I catch the pig, who seems to be having a fun time, and scoop him up in my arms.

The little pig and I are now joined by my father at a local bookstore. I’m not quite sure what we’re shopping for when my father spies a poster that he likes. It’s an image of Bob Marley that looks as though it may have been painted by LeRoy Neiman—all color and splotches. My father seems disappointed when there don’t appear to be any copies of the poster left. Holding the pig with one arm, I dig through the poster bin until I find a copy of the Marley poster for my Dad.

Back on the terrace, which now seems to be on the ground floor, I meet Suzanne Pleshette. We talk about death, specifically about how, even though she is dead, she is still around and capable of holding a conversation.

I worry that she won’t be able to care for her children, two small African American boys to whom she introduces me. One is about four years old, the other about two. I pick the older boy up and chat with him as Suzanne steps inside for a moment. The boy seems unfazed by the fact that his mother is not only seventy years old and white, but also dead.

Suzanne returns wearing a green mud mask around her eyes to help keep her skin looking youthful. Before I have a chance to react, we are joined on the terrace by Jodie Foster carrying an armload of books. A few of the books are for the children, but she has brought several for me as well. They are guide books of a sort, manuals on how to communicate and coexist with the dead. I spy a Dr. Seuss book in the children’s pile and make a joke at the Dr’s expense.

“Oh, I like the one about the Hasidic barber, Morton Shears a Jew."

Jodie smiles politely, but I am the only one who is truly amused.

Saving Anderson

2007-12-10T01:23:00.002-05:00

December 9, 2007

About two weeks ago I had yet another dream about Anderson Cooper. They’re all a little different, but share the same basic theme: worried about his safety, I implore Anderson to stay home and abandon his plan to go on another dangerous mission.

In this latest dream, Jazz singer Nancy Wilson and I stand at the edge of an airstrip on a bluff overlooking the Pacific Ocean. It seems as though we practically will a struggling plane to make it to the airstrip and land safely.

Passengers disembark from the small jet. I see that one of them is Anderson Cooper. He’s dressed in jeans and a dark blue t-shirt, which barely contains his biceps. There’s a look in his eye, a squint really, that’s all business.

As he sweeps past Nancy and I on his way to covering a nearby conflict, I yell to him, “Please be careful.”

In the past two years, I’ve had about a half dozen similarly themed dreams. One time we were in an Italian restaurant having lunch as he was besieged by fans. The waiter asked if we wanted to move to a table in the back but Anderson thought that if people felt strongly enough to acknowledge his work, the least he could do was say hello to them.

He was scheduled to leave on foreign assignment right after lunch and, as usual, I was unable to persuade him to stay.

Another time I hid in a cabin on a Navy vessel in another failed attempt to keep him from a dangerous mission.

Sadly, I can not remember all of the details from my favorite Anderson Cooper dream, but here is what I do remember from this July, 2005 dream:

I’m in San Francisco with Anderson Cooper, but it looks more like a movie set with a backdrop than a real city. We are standing on the tracks of a rickety old wooden roller coaster as I plead with him not go out into the streets to cover a dangerous earthquake.

“But I have to. It’s my job.”

Anderson’s mother, Gloria Vanderbilt, shows up with Cabaret performer Bobby Short.

“If you must go, Anderson, you two should make this official before you scurry off.”

As we’re both wearing suits, this seems the perfect time for an impromptu gay wedding. Anderson kisses me hard on the lips as his mother looks on approvingly and Bobby Short serenades us with a Cole Porter tune. *

*I can not swear to it, but I think the tune was either “At Long Last Love,” or “I’m In Love Again,” which is the song Bobby Short sang in “Hannah And Her Sisters” when Woody Allen told Dianne Wiest, “You don’t deserve Cole Porter!”

Oh, and to those of you who say my self portrait needs a few more pounds in order to be accurate, all I can say is that's EXACTLY how I appeared in the dream!

Not As Funny As Rossellini

2007-11-18T12:59:00.002-05:00

November 17, 2007

I’m roaming the Irish countryside with my cousin Shelly on a typically grey Irish morning. Suddenly, I’m not in Ireland anymore. I am now in the humble London flat of Elaine Stritch.

As the sun prepares to set outside, I carry a tray of tea from the kitchen to the sitting room where Elaine is watching TV.

“Let’s have some music, huh,” she tells me as she shuts off the television and turns on the stereo to play some classical music. Elaine tells me the composer’s name, but I can’t recall it.

“You were really funny on 30 Rock,” I tell her. “But not as funny as Isabella Rossellini.”

“Yeah, that crowd really knows what they’re doing over there.”

We have a detailed discussion on the number of camera setups used for any given scene on the show. “It’s a hell of a lot of work,” she says matter of factly.

“Hey, I got this for you,” Elaine tells me as she hands me my hometown paper, The Philadelphia Inquirer.

As I tare into this little slice of home, I realize that Elaine’s motives may not have been completely altruistic. On the front page of the Arts & Entertainment section there is a lengthy profile of…Elaine Stritch.

JONI THE MENACE

2007-11-12T23:34:00.001-05:00

November 12, 2007

I’m standing at the butcher counter of a small town supermarket. I’m ordering a sandwich for myself and one for Joni Mitchell, who is standing next to me.

“I named a sandwich after you,” I tell her.

“You did?”

“Yep. Remember that time you had that special cheese? I think you called it Reuten. You said it was your favorite cheese and you let me try a piece.”

“I remember,” she responds.

“Well, the sandwich is Reuten cheese and boiled ham. Dennis the Menace use to love boiled ham. ‘Jeepers, Mrs. Wilson, I’m hungry. I want a boiled ham sandwich,’ he used to say.”

Joni is perplexed.

“So you know what I call the sandwich? It’s a Joni The Menace!”

A few minutes later we’re in the driveway of my childhood home. Joni and her friend are looking for a good place to light their bong. I direct her to a spot in the back yard, right up against the house.

I’m carrying a tube of spice filled water for Joni. I recoil at its strange odor.

“That water is special…for the bong,” she tells me.

Joni is here to work on a commissioned piece—an opera. She tells me she expects to finish some time in June. She’s been having trouble on a section dealing with the struggle of small children to communicate their needs to adults. I suggest that one of the obstacles to clear communication is that for a child every desire is of equal importance. Hence, every request they make is made with equal intensity, which results in small children screaming all the time.

This seems to inspire Joni and she asks if there is a room where she can work.

“You can use the bedroom upstairs on the left. It’s very hot up there unless you use the air conditioner,” I tell her.

(JUDGE) JUDY'S TURN TO CRY

2007-11-11T15:23:00.002-05:00

November 1, 2007

I’m in a high school auditorium. There is a black tie salute to high profile natives of the town where I grew up. The first one is George Takei* from “Star Trek.” A live shot of his face appears on a giant video screen above the stage.

I think to myself, “I better get ready for my close-up. I wonder if it’ll be like at the Oscars with five heads in little boxes as they announce my name.”

At the reception following the ceremony, there are trays of food and drinks being passed around. Judge Judy mills about, her hair frosted, a glass of white wine in her hand. She begins an impromptu speech saluting one of the honorees.

My sister Kay interrupts the Judge, doing a spot-on imitation of the man Judy is toasting, a local political buffoon.

Suddenly, the mood turns very nasty. “You are way out of your league talking about him.”

I am enraged at Judy’s audacity. “What did you say to her? What did you say?”

I get right in her face and become very menacing. “Who the hell are you? You’re nobody. Nobody cares what you think? And…and…I can’t even say it, it’s so mean.”

“What? What can’t you say,” Judy asks me.

As security guards drag me from the room, I scream, “Whoever told you that your hair looks good with frosted streaks is a God-damned liar!”

______________________________________________________

*George Tekai was born in Los Angeles, not Pennsylvania. I looked it up.

THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING ERNEST...AND TOVA

2007-11-10T15:28:00.003-05:00

August 25, 2007

Gloria Steinem and I are surveying the view of the bay as boats glide in and out of the harbor. We are weekend guests at the Bronx Summer home of Ernest and Tova Borgnine.

As we wait for the couple to greet us, I can’t help but notice Ernest’s Oscar and Tony Awards.* I debate whether to risk touching the trophies or not.

As I make my way toward the Tony, Tova and Ernest make their entrance from atop a modest wooden staircase. We barely have a chance to say hello before other guests start to arrive. Apparently the Borgnines are hosting some sort of liberal fundraiser, which is why Gloria has agreed to be there.

I spend several minutes mingling, waiting for the right moment to tell Tova that I remember seeing her on “The Mike Douoglas Show” hawking her cosmetics line when I was a kid. “Oh, don’t say that,” I think. “That’ll make her feel old.”

The Borgnines' son, who apparently is a doctor still dressed in his scrubs, makes his way to a small stage where he is set to help honor Ernest for his humanitarian work.

There are two rather large trophies perched upon two separate podiums. One trophy is round and sphere like and boasts an oversized Tony insignia, the masks of comedy and tragedy. The other trophy, from Actor’s Equity, is called the King Lear Award. It features a sculpture of lear sitting on his thrown with a stone wall behind him.

I see a petite woman I once worked with, an intense young law student who rarely smiled. We chat politely, and then I walk away.

______________________________________

I don't think he ever won a Tony, but he does have an Oscar.

THE FACE OF GOD

2007-10-28T17:35:00.001-04:00

October 21, 2007

I come up out of the subway at 47th Street in Times Square. I am disoriented, unable to remember which street I live on. Instinctively I head west. Eventually I come across a building that seems familiar. I enter the lobby and wait for the elevator, along with several other people.

“It’s on the sixth floor,” I say.

A man replies, “No, it’s on the tenth floor.”

We get in the elevator and are taken to the sixteenth floor.

“We’re both wrong,” the man says.

“Yes, but I had the six and you had the ten,” I tell him.

When we get off on the sixteenth floor I’m not home at all. Rather, I’m at a large banquet hall with several round tables set up for poker. I have arrived at a Poker & Pizza benefit for a Women’s History Museum.

I find my old roommate Bill waiting for me at one of the tables, then I go to the buffet line and get a large slice with pepperoni.

Before returning to my seat, I try to hang a portrait of Eleanor Roosevelt on the wall, but I’m having trouble with the nail. I look at picture frame and see that it contains two pictures, one of Eleanor and one of Gloria Steinem. They don’t fit well together and I decide it is too tacky to hang.

I go out on the window ledge to retrieve what I believe to be a superior portrait of Eleanor, climb back inside and hang it on the wall. Just as I finish hanging the portrait, I hear the crowd inside the hall scream with anticipation as the music begins for the evening’s entertainment.

As I hear the first few notes of Barbra Streisand’s disco hit “The Main Event,” I rush in to find my seat in the bleachers. The poker tables now gone, the entire room has been transformed from a banquet hall into a large indoor stadium.

I find Bill in the bleachers as the lights come up to reveal Barbra on stage. I criticize her performance of “The Main Event” for being decidedly behind the beat.

There is no floor space in the stadium. It’s all been taken up by the giant stage and enormous Art Deco sets that fly in and out, including one that looks like the lobby of a hotel with an ornate gold caged elevator.

Barbra next sings an emotional version of “People,” and I start to warm to her performance. She follows this with a tear drenched version of “I’ve Stayed Too Long At The Fair,” during which she climbs into the bleachers to sign autographs.

As Barbra returns to the stage, my entire section, in a swell of emotion that seems to say, “NO, no, you haven’t stayed too long at the fair,” rushes toward the lip of the stage. Knowing this would upset Barbra, I do not join them.

“What are you doing!” a security guard screams as he implores everyone back to their seats. “You can’t come at her like that. You know how skittish she is.”

The length of the stage now contains an ancient Roman bath with marble columns and jewel encrusted archways. Barbra swims across the water, emerging fully dressed in a lavish golden sheath.

A video screen flashes pictures from Barbra’s life and her many loves, including Warren Beatty.

To close her show, Barbra ascends once again into my bleacher section. Wearing a dark cloak, she is heavily made up, looking like a very old woman, or maybe even a witch. She stands directly in front of me, places her hand on my shoulders and looks me square in the eye as she sings.

I start to cry and think to myself, “This is the happiest moment of my entire life. It’s like seeing the face of God.”

WHAT'S PHILADELPHIA GOT TO DO WITH IT?

2007-10-24T18:26:00.001-04:00

October 22, 2007

I’m visiting family in the small town where I grew up outside of Philadelphia. I take a taxi down town to meet a friend for dinner, but the taxi lets me off in the wrong part of town.

I find myself on the top of a hill overlooking what I would describe as a long and winding road. As I desperately try to flag down another cab, I begin screaming at the drivers that won’t stop to pick me up, and I am almost run over more than once.

I notice three college age men standing on the sidewalk waiting for a bus. I recognize one of them as someone I knew many years ago. As we start to chat, we see Miss Tina Turner walking down the hill on the other side of the street. She’s all done up in a short, shiny, flesh colored dress.

“Tina! Tina,” we start to shout. She looks over at us, waves, gives us a big smile, and, in her faux British accent, says, “Hello!”

“We love you,” I scream.

“What’s love got to do with it,” she asks.

“I love that song you did with Herbie,” I continue. You should record a whole album with him. Where are you going?”

“I’m on my way to my concert. You should come see me.”

“I can’t, I don’t have the money, and I’ve already seen you three times in my lifetime. Maybe when you come to New York. When will you be in New York?”

“I just played New York. We’re on our way to Lucerne after this.”

She continues on her way down the hill. The college boys and I sing very loudly in Tina’s general direction, “WHAT’S LOVE GOT TO DO, GOT TO DO WITH IT.” She turns around to wave once more before she goes.

A cab finally stops to pick me up and a middle aged married couple tries to steal it from me. We decide to share the taxi, but there doesn’t seem to be a driver. The car speeds down the hill, then up a ramp and onto a red wooden structure that looks sort of like a roller coaster. A voice from a loud speaker tells us that since this bridge is now privately owned by a corporation, “only Frank Sinatra music will be played on this bridge, and there’s nothing you can do about it!”

I’m back on the sidewalk and I’ve caught up with Tina just outside of the stadium where she is to perform. Like a pied piper, she has gathered a crowd along the way, including back up dancers, reporters, and fans.

While being interviewed live by the local Fox affiliate, one of Tina’s male dancers suggests she sing a song. The dancers and I harmonize in the background as Tina sings, but as I am closest to the microphone, it is mostly my humming that is heard. The reporter is decidedly unhappy.

After the camera turns off, Tina’s smile disappears. She is calm but angry as she addresses the dancer who suggested the song.

“Don’t you ever put me in that position again.”

He has an attitude with a capital “A”. “Please. Don’t put your insecurities on me.”

I walk into the stadium with the crowd, find a seat, and wait for the concert to begin.

A SALAAM ALEIKUM, MR. PRESIDENT

2007-10-24T13:55:00.001-04:00

October 22, 2007

This only qualifies as a celebrity dream because of a brief cameo by America’s favorite dictator.

I’m at a beach house with two people who are supposed to be my parents, but who bear absolutely no resemblance to my real life parents. The woman sports a blonde beehive hairdo and a polyester blend Hawaiian print shirt.

We are hosting two female visitors from Iraq. Dressed in traditional Muslim garb, their entire bodies are covered save for their eyes. The women are here to learn about America as part of an exchange program.

We are sitting around the living room watching television when George W. Bush appears on the screen to accuse all Americans who disagree with his policies of being unpatriotic traitors.

I take the younger of the two women into my bedroom to get her away from the television and Bush’s poisonous message.

“Why do all Americans engage in pornography?” she asks.

“They don’t, they don’t. It’s just, well, it’s available if people want it,” I tell her.

I show her two black and white pictures of my friends Michael and Tim sitting in a field. She points to Tim and says, “Is he a gay? He looks like he’s a gay.”

“No, no. He’s not gay,” I lie.

“Are you sure? Tell me. I am bound to meet one sometime.”

“Okay, yes, they are a couple.”

She starts screaming and runs to the living room to tell her friend. They are both fairly hysterical, yelling that they want to go back to Iraq right away. I argue with the slightly older woman, I even threaten to hurt her if she doesn’t stop screaming, which of course only makes her scream louder. I apologize for threatening her. They both continue to scream.

My dad and I hustle them down the front stairs, where we pass my beehived mother.

“Where are you going at this hour?” she asks.

“You stay here, we’ll be right back,” my clearly flustered father tells her as we wrestle the screaming women into the back of a car.

Suddenly, my Dad and I are at the airport with the two women. They are much calmer now. As I walk the younger woman to the front of a ticket line, the older woman, who has removed her veil, stands several feet behind us. There is an anxious look in her eye.

I walk over to her and quietly ask, “What is it? Don’t you want to go?”

“No. I want asylum,” she whispers while waving to the younger girl to indicate everything is okay and that she’ll be along in just a moment.

I become aware that there are undercover government officials from both the United States and Iraq surrounding us. The Americans have been alerted to be prepared for the possibility of up to two defectors.

“All you have to do,” I tell the woman, “is yell ‘Sanctuary! Sanctuary!’”

I REALLY DON'T LOVE LUCY

2007-10-19T18:07:00.002-04:00

October 19, 2007

I’m sitting with two elderly women and an elderly gentleman in the front row of a theatre where we’ve just finished watching a play. As we get up to go, I leave my book bag on the floor because I believe we are coming right back.

The theatre is located on the lower floors of a grand old hotel. My little theatre party gets on the elevator to head back to our room, which is actually the apartment of the oldest of the women, who turns out to be the mother of the elderly man; the other woman is his second wife.

The older woman explains to her daughter-in-law that the family used to live next door to my family back when the first wife was still alive. She mentions the first wife just to be hurtful and I notice a flicker of sadness flash across the daughter-in-law's face.

The passive aggressive behavior of the mother-in-law has made me uncomfortable so I tell her, “I’m going back down to the theatre to get my bag.”

The mother-in-law hands me a wet one-piece ladies' bathing suit with the top half turned inside out, exposing two beige colored foam support cups. She asks if I would drop it off down the hall on my way out.

I take the bathing suit and head down the hall. A woman stops me and offers to make the delivery for me. She is slightly menacing, but she backs down quickly when I tell her firmly, “No, I will deliver it myself.”

I come upon a mustard brown colored door with a gold name plate. The name plate reads “Lucille Ball.”

I knock on the door and after a moment a woman in a white bathrobe with a matching towel covering her face opens the door. I can tell by the tuft of brittle red hair peeking out from her towel that it is indeed Lucille Ball.

“I have your suit,” I say.

“Come in, come in,” she growls.

The damp suit is dripping on the rug.

“It’s almost dry,” I tell her, “would you like me to hang it in the bathroom for you?”

“No, I’ll do it. Just leave it there.”

She has me hang it on the back of the vanity chair in which she is now seated. She looks at me as if to say, “Well, is that it?” But I can’t help myself. I feel I must say something...but what?

I think to myself, “I never really liked her, but I can’t say that.”

I decide to lie. “You know how everyone always says, ‘I love Lucy, I love Lucy?’”

“Yes,” she says, barely tolerating my presence.

“Well, I do, I really do.”

“Thank you,” she responds, in a voice that says “I’ve heard this bunk a thousand times before.”

“But I really love Lucie Arnaz,” I tell her excitedly. “Ever since I was a kid, I’ve just always loved her.”

I want to tell Lucille that she did a good job raising her daughter, but then my thoughts spin out of control as I remember that she actually has two children and that maybe I should say she also did a good job with her son. “But then again,” I think, “there was that whole mess with Patty Duke, and wasn’t Desi Jr. a drug addict, and wouldn’t that be another lie if I said she’d done a good job with him?”

“Yeah, basically you raised two great kids,” I tell her, having opted to lie again. “I‘ve always liked Lucie, on TV, in movies and plays, books, just wherever she goes.”

She’s really had enough of me. “Yeah, well, now I’d like to go wherever, so could ya…”

Her voice trails off as she indicates the door with a snap of her head. I think to myself, “What a fucking bitch.”

A BRIEF HISTORY OF FILM

2007-10-16T19:01:00.004-04:00

October 16, 2007

I’m on a bus with a bunch of college students. A female announcer tells us we’re on our way to pick up a very special guest and then whisk her away to a ceremony where she will be honored. As our bus pulls into a parking lot, we see the woman waiting to be picked up. It’s Angelica Houston.

I start to applaud when I see her, and a few other boys on the bus follow my lead. A butch looking girl yells at me.

"Don't clap, she's not even on the bus yet. Faggot."

"Stupid dyke," I mutter under my breath.

John Waters, who is also on our bus, tells us that part of Angelica’s surprise is that she gets to be in his new movie, and that she “doesn’t even have to wear make up!” He plans to film her in her natural state.

Angelica, who is dressed smartly in a green suede mini skirt and matching jacket, with a leopard print blouse and shoes, seems unaware of the bus. She is escorted into the back of an emergency response vehicle, which will be used to transport her to the ceremony. The back of the vehicle is made completely of glass so that those of us on the bus can observe Angelica as we follow behind.

The vehicle also contains two identical strippers with blond hair, dressed as nurses with the top buttons of their uniforms opened widely, exposing their lacy undergarments. Angelica is confused by their presence, but seems genuinely game to go along for the adventure.

As the bus follows the emergency response vehicle up the street, I find my self hanging on to the bumper of the ERV, being dragged along like a kid bumper hitching in the snow. I peer through the glass to get a better look at Angelica, but I’m careful to hide my head when she looks my way so that she doesn’t feel preyed upon.

At the hall where the ceremony is taking place, Angelica begins a lecture on the history of film and the “millions of images” she’s assembled into a “cinematic mosaic.” As she speaks, her body jerks around like Joe Cocker or Patti Smith, and I momentarily think of Candy Slice, the Smith-like character Gilda Radner played on “Saturday Night Live.”

Her body jerks more and more violently, until she no longer resembles herself, but instead looks an awful lot like Catherine O’Hara. Catherine disappears quickly, and I see that the stage is filled with movie memorabilia: costumes, props, magazines, head shots, scripts, etc. The woman in charge of the display is Kathleen Turner.

As she tries to sell her wares, Kathleen speaks nostalgically about old movies. I muster up my courage to ask a question.

“You must have something there from one of your movies…Maybe ‘Peggy Sue Got Married?’”

“Why, yes, I have something right here.”

She displays a white peasant blouse adorned with colorfully embroidered flowers, incredibly bright greens, and reds, and oranges. Next, she hands me a pair of enormous clunky metal earrings.

“These were made for my character when she got out of rehab by Zelda, played by the great Barbara Harris,” she tells me.*

“How much?” I ask.

“Twenty five pieces of silver. I’ll send someone to pick up the money tomorrow.”

Accompanied by a male classmate, I scurry out of the hall with the earrings. As we leave, the earrings become larger and more colorful, almost like tree ornaments. I ask my classmate, “Do you think she meant twenty five cents or twenty five dollars?”

We make our way to the Whole Foods in the basement of the hall. The earrings have now morphed from ornaments into large tin basins with brightly painted scenes. I think to myself, “a cat could sleep in here, but it would need a cushion from the rough edges.”

I pick up a plastic container of chocolate chip cookies and brownies, but decide not to buy them because of the dead roach stuck to the bottom of the plastic.
____________________________________

*Although the "great Barbara Harris" was indeed in "Peggy Sue Got Married," her character's name was Evelyn, not Zelda. And Peggy Sue didn't go to rehab either.

A VERY SPECIAL EPISODE

2007-10-16T16:32:00.003-04:00

October 16, 2007

It’s a Thursday night, and I’m hanging out in the lobby of what seems to be a hotel crossed with a college dorm. Several frat boys mill about drinking beer and watching football. One enormously tall, muscular boy in a blue oxford shirt knocks on our door and asks to see a girl who lives on the second floor. He goes up the stairs to find her, and most of the other guys follow him.

“Now I can watch what I want,” I say to myself. I grab the remote from the beer soaked coffee table and change the channel. I come across a talk show hosted by Dolly Parton, but this does not interest me. Then I remember it’s Thursday. I change the channel once again. It’s time for “ER”.

On the screen I see Maura Tierney as Dr. Abby Lockhart, just like every other week. Tonight, however, there is a very special episode. Dr Lockhart is wearing army fatigues with a red cross stitched to the front of her cap. She stands next to a large olive green tent, flanked by a man who is also wearing fatigues. Really, it looks like she’s been plopped into the middle of an episode of “M*A*S*H”.

The man says something to Abby about not having enough courage.

She responds quietly, “War makes people courageous.”

Two Pops & a Funny Girl

2007-10-15T00:08:00.001-04:00

September 17. 2007

My Dad and I have traveled back in time. It's New York City, a chilly Sunday night in 1964. We've gone to Carnegie Hall to hear Louis Armstrong play. The concert is being hosted by a young Valerie Harper. I think to myself, "Geeze, was she famous enough in 1964 to be at Carnegie Hall with Louis Armstrong?"

As the concert nears its conclusion, Louis and his band make a joyful noise to accompany the crowd into the cold night, but strangely, they are no longer on the stage. Instead, they stand at the back of the house, behind the last row. With the back exits blocked by the band, the audience, including me and my Dad, stream forward, toward the stage, where we find additional exits.

Once we're out into the darkness of Seventh Avenue, my Dad and I walk west toward Broadway. I tell him I want to go down to the Winter Garden Theatre so I can see the "Funny Girl" marquee.*

We walk a few blocks down Broadway, directly into the wind. Still a few blocks from the theatre, we see the giant marquee, but we are barely able to make out the show's logo (the upside down girl standing on her head) because all the lights at the theatre have been shut off. The concert had gotten out too late, sometime after midnight it would seem, but still we are happy to have made the trek.

* "Funny Girl" did indeed open at the Winter Garden in 1964.

After a little research, I could not find any evidence that Louis Armstrong played Carnegie Hall in 1964. However, in the Spring of 1947 he recorded concerts at both Carnegie Hall and the Winter Garden Theatre just one month apart.

SIGOURNEY MAKES HER MOVE

2007-10-13T15:41:00.001-04:00

October 11, 2007

I'm standing in the lobby of a movie theatre with a friend. The lobby is large and multi leveled, with very modern balconies and staircases. We seem to be confused about what movie we're going to see, what time it starts, and whether or not we actually have tickets.

Sigourney Weaver crosses an elevated walkway a few feet above us. She's dressed in a red woman's suit. Our eyes meet for a moment, and she continues on her way, apparently searching for her date. A few minutes later, she returns, takes me by the hand saying, "Come on." I look at my friend apologetically, as if to say, "You're on your own. You don't really expect me to pass up a movie date with Sigourney Weaver, do you?"

Sigourney and I stroll into the theatre and find our seats near the back of the sloped auditorium. The film begins. The title is a boy's name--Lenny or Louis or something like that. It turns out to be a film in which Sigourney actually appears. She starts to comment loudly about the film and her costars. I feel embarrassed, but Sigourney seems indifferent to the other patrons.

She tries to hold my hand, and though it feels awkward, I let her.

"Are you gay?" she asks.

"Yes, I am," I reply.

She laughs almost dismissively, as if to say, "well, that wont stop me!" She tightens her grip on my hand, fiercely determined to make a success of our date.